The Intolerable Shrinking City

it was a dark and rainy evening on my way home tonight. i’d finally left work around 4:30p and merged into the much overpopulated traffic flow of trussville’s “5 o’clock” rush hour. it actually starts closer to 4p, but it pretty much stays constant all day long.

anyway, i trudged along and finally got onto the interstate and headed south back into town. all was as well and typical as you’d expect these people to behave in the rain; with the speeding and the ass-riding and all. it’s a wonder you don’t see more wrecks out here on these streets, not that a handful a day doesn’t suffice. anyway, as my exit came into sight, traffic began to get a bit congested (again, very typical at this time of day.) there was probably a wreck further up, but i managed to inch off onto my exit before seeing any such activity.

ok; normally, when you hit that exit it’s pretty much smooth sailing the rest of the way. but ooohhh noooo, not today. the exit leads onto a major highway which usually flows steady when you’re heading south, but tonight it was the worst congestion i’ve ever seen. and what happens when the roads are congested? that’s right, people start changing lanes, trying to get just a few feet further up the road. no signs of patience to be seen at all. and of course, mine was dwindling as well. so i opted to take an early exit, in hopes that i could just wind myself through the city and make it home.

well, that turned out to be a mistake. not simply because of my impatience, but rather because of the way the city is constructed. one way streets, the shitty traffic light system (which i’ll swear up and down is programmed to keep you inside the city as long as possible) and the single lane exits and turn lanes all contribute to going nowhere fast! this city may once have been a decent work of engineering, but not anymore. it’s just not capable of handling this influx of traffic; especially when everyone and their pet dog seem to have a personal vehicle. no matter what street i turned off on, there was a line of cars… and a red light. and this was at every single block; north, south, east and west! and mind you, there are many blocks in the ignorant city.

anyway, there i was, forever stuck in senseless traffic listening to the awful filth that is birmingham radio (i’d left my ipod at home.) and then it happened. the tension was there. the community was there. the stars were all lined up just so. and i yelled aloud. goodness me, i’d never done that before. usually i bottle it up and rest on the fact that these are simply dumb people and i’m not one of them. but for some reason, i just wanted to get off these roads and away from these hazardous people and dig into a nice cold beer. and these dipshits wouldn’t let me! so yes, i yelled. inside my car where no one could hear me. it surprised me for a few minutes and i had to take inventory of all my senses.

well, everything seemed to check out alright, and you’d think that would have alleviated some of the tension, wouldn’t you? fat chance. traffic was so goddam awful and my patience had clearly flown the coup, and i swear those stars were out to get me…..well, i yelled again! this time, though, it was more out of curiosity. you see it all the time on tv, and maybe even read about it from time to time; but i’m here to tell you it doesn’t work. no matter how loud you yell or how bad you tear your throat up doing so, you’re simply not going anywhere. you’re stuck. stuck at your 12th red light. stuck on a road that you don’t normally travel. stuck amongst these ignorant creatures that god supposedly blessed with his right index finger. stuck listening to what the corporate stations think we should all be listening to, regardless of what merit it holds.

anyway, i finally made it home and parked outside my apartment. hit the lights and killed the engine and just sat there for a few seconds, watching the rain splash onto the windshield. figured 3rd times a charm and yelled again. this time it was for shits and giggles. the difference between sanity and insanity is a laughable small thread. i realized how asinine my actions were and quickly healed the wound. i chalk it up to experimentation.